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14 Jan 2009 |
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Tweet me!| Are you overwhelmed by the vast array of calculator-crunching baseball analysis methods that leave you scratching your heads? Don't know your BABIPs from your xBABIPs? Well, believe it or not, those methods of analysis do not tell the whole story.
Follow these lesser-known methods, and you'll be able to fool even the experts' experts with your  amazing knowledge.
FOB%: percentage of foreign-born players who did not arrive in the States by plane or train
FOR%: percentage of foreign-born players who arrived in the States by raft (likely Cuban
FRO%: used in some fantasy leagues to measure speed reduction due to substantial hair growth... all-time leader is Oscar Gamble, followed closely by Bake McBride and Manny Ramirez
MNBM%: calculates those rare occurrences when Manny is not being Manny
NOFRO%: measures speed increase from less wind resistance as a result of fewer hair follicles... if Hall of Fame entry were judged solely on this stat, Jay Buhner would be a shoe in
FIB: number of lies told in postgame press conferences
xFIBs: number of lies told about player injuries... Mark Prior and Kerry Wood are tied for the MLB record with 1,211
TCASTs: usually a statistic that favors the more wealthy ballplayers because of believability factor... number 
of claims of having two chicks at same time
TCAST%: percentage of true TCAST trysts... determined by calculating the number of actual such trysts (xTCASTs, or true TCASTs) divided by TCASTs... Randy Johnson, Kent Tekulve, and the Reuschel brothers are tied for the lowest percentages in MLB history
MF: amount of energy that has been sucked out of a player as a result of their dating Madonna.... "the Madonna Factor..." players affected substantially are commonly referred to as "MF'ers" (see Alex Rodriguez)
STD%: amazingly accurate predictor of days on the DL, determined by the formula (number of STDs acquired + dosage of penicillin in milligrams) divided by (TTCASTs/TCASTs)... the aforementioned MF'er Alex Rodriguez is rising in the rankings
TIG: the number of TIGs is determined by the number of tips that a given player has placed into a stripper's g-string... Andruw Jones is the all-time career leader... heck, he can't hit on balls anymore, but he is stellar at hitting on strippers
DUI%: the percentage of time a player drives under the influence... congratulations, Joba, you are well on your way to success in this category
CAREYs: the number of times a baseball talking head mispronounces a name... the all-time leader is, of course, the statistic's namesake, followed closely by Lenny Melnick (no joke... he referred to Xavier Nady as Xavier NAUGHTY on a recent blogtalkradio show)... keep it up Lenny... you're only 1,023,293 mispronunciations behind the leader. Holy Cow!
TPRs: third person references... Rickey Henderson has over ten times as many career TPRs as he has SBs, thereby making him a shoe-in on hall of fame ballots
AMDs: the AMD is a measure of player exhaustion... at some point in time, I suspect every player will have an AMD measure... at present time, it is limited to about 70% of the league... the AMD stat , of course, is the number of Alyssa Milano Dates... any wonder why Barry Zito, Carl Pavano, and Brad Penny have had notable statistical regressions? Standard "experts: might throw out some FIPs and BABIPs. Now you know the AMD truth.
BABIP$: Benjamins avoided per ball in play... the BABIP$ is generally higher among players on small market teams like the Royals and the Pirates... it is a statistic loved by cheap owners throughout the league
BWBIP$: Benjamins wasted per ball in play... the top 100 players, all-time, are all Yankees and Dodgers
EVEs: the EVE statistic is a measure of ribs removed... Hank Blalock leads the majors with 1... it is worthy of note
HRHS: a correlation ratio of homeruns to head size, calculated as number of home runs divided by head size... Barry Bonds is the all-time leader with an HR/HS of 1.00. Have some interesting formulas of your own? Email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , and I just might include it in the next installment of Sabermetricks!
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Comments (25)
  written by RedRum, January 24, 2009
Someone actually got mad at this article... ?????
This is hilarious :silly:
written by RobReed, January 15, 2009
I responded in troll fashion 'cause I didn't expect you to come back (i.e., that your comments were troll comments)... the fact that you came back indicates I was wrong.
Obviously, I don't agree with your opinions, but I appreciate 'em. Thanks for coming back, and I hope to write some articles that will appeal to you in the future. There was a premise here, actually... it was to appeal to those who think that sabermetrics are a bit over the top (I used to be one of those people, so making fun of sabermetrics came with little difficulty - and, unfortunately, some marginal success). This time.  There's always Sabermetricks #2... but we know what #2 means.
written by tonycincotta, January 15, 2009
Brent,
Thanks for the feedback.Continue to lets us know your likes and dislikes !
written by Brent Branum, January 15, 2009
It took about 1 second. I guess I just failed to find it funny, just tediously amateurish. I'm all for a funny article and I will obviously continue to check the site, it just felt like I was reading a high school news paper article. Rob, don't forget I also have a pocket protector and usually choose to watch PBS over any sporting event, especially baseball. The only boobs I touch are my own and sometimes my dog if she's in a good news.
Tony - Don't worry about making everyone happy, just have fun. Just tell Rob to file his "funny fake" articles in his desk instead of posting them. In reality, articles should be funny and informative at the same time. Now that is the sign of a good, entertaining writer. Anyone can write a fake article. Rob, this is just a challenge to up your game. I don't expect your articles to be in midseason form, but step it up.
written by Mark, January 14, 2009
FOB%
then I glanced at it as I was scrolling down for the comment
written by Primetime21, January 14, 2009
Thanks guy. I just checked out the artical on Premium Site : Fantasy Baseball Stats You Should Know. helped out. there a lot of stuff on the site just didn't come a cross it before.
written by Pat DiCaprio, January 14, 2009
You really didnt think FIB was funny? tough crowd...
written by This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , January 14, 2009
I really enjoyed this article, and just about everything else Mr. Reed writes. Just joined his marvellous site, too. When I'm out of Excedrin Migraine due to too many capital letters and %-age signs in all this saberstuff, he comes to the rescue.
Keep up the good work.
written by Ken, January 14, 2009
I really like the article, why is everyone so serious? Maybe it's a little jealousy for not winning leagues!?!
written by Pat DiCaprio, January 14, 2009
PrimeTime, Troy Patterson's series is going to feature a sabermetric stat every week, and Mike Podhorzer did an article on this for the Premium Site.
written by Troy Patterson, January 14, 2009
PrimeTime21, make sure to check in with my Statistical Sleeper series (http://fantasypros911.com/Week...-Sleepers/). Before the season starts I am going through each Sabermetric Stat I will be using and how to use them.
I also do a segment on Thursday's at http://www.rotosavants.com called Fantasy and Sabermetrics for beginners.
written by a guest, January 14, 2009
This is a great effort Rob...... very funny! Let those imaginations soar, oh writers of Fantasy Pros 911! Too much 'useful' statistical analysis makes your readers very dull boys.
written by Primetime21, January 14, 2009
I thought the artical was funny. But what should be done is a artical about sabermetrics 101 some type of Guide of what things mean. i read sabermetrics articals and most of the time I don't know what everything means and when i see some type of stat its not like I know its a good number i am just hoping the write tells me it a good number.
written by RedSox, January 14, 2009
Mark,
One of the biggest things we preach at www.FantasyPros911.com is fantasy baseball is suppose to be fun. We are confident with the 400 + articles for everybody we deliver all the hard hitting facts and figures. The site contains the best articles on the net from the top personalties. We encourage the personalties to deliver there information in various formats. Please send me an email to customer service and let us know how we can improve your satisfaction. Tony Cincotta
written by kevinorris, January 14, 2009 Nice fantasy baseball article bonehead. No useful information and not one laugh. I'll be sure to check back in with the new site. Do moobs count?
written by RobReed, January 14, 2009 Totally pointless. I don't understand why you'd waste time doing this. This where I go for fantasy info... or at least I thought so. What my enquiring mind is really wanting to know is how far you read through the article before you realized it wasn't real. Please let me know.
written by RobReed, January 14, 2009 Nice fantasy baseball article bonehead. No useful information and not one laugh. I'll be sure to check back in with the new site. If you did not laugh at Paul Reuschel and Kent Tekulve, then I will assume that you wear glasses and also have yet to touch a breast. So, my apologies.
written by big o, January 14, 2009
i actually found this to be quite humorous. go figure.
best ones are TIG's and BABIP$. have YOU read bukowski ? nice piece.
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Tags: sammy sosa oscar gamble alex rodriguez yankees royals pirates reuschel barry bonds jesus alyssa milano brad penny barry zito carl pavano hank blalock rickey henderson
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that, in some circles, Sammy Sosa is considered the co-leader with 1 EVE for breaking his rib while sneezing a few years back... however, because of substantial objection from the Commisioner's Office (primarily because no actual rib removal took place), Sammy Sosa reads as "Sammy Sosa*" in the record books
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Thanks for the comment, RedRum.
I might have to do a "Then the Yankees Rolled in: Movies Edition" by writing about how The Shining would be changed if the Yankees were involved in your honor.