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12 Jan 2009 |
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Tweet me!| It's time for some "reader mail!" This is from reader Joe Lano regarding my article Good Will Lacking, introducing some of the members of our experts' and blogger leagues this season "I have always wondered Rob, how does one become an "expert"? Is there a test you need to take? Do papers need to be filed with some branch of our government? Can you just put the word "guru" at the end of your name? Honestly Rob, I have absolutely no idea who the hell these guys are, nor do I know who you are…"
My simplest answer as to what makes an expert is: know who I am. Clearly, because you indicated you do not, you have not reached any particular level of fantasy baseball expertise that is worthy of accolade. To your right, please view my picture. Study it. Memorize it. Love it.
No, there is no test, but I have some information of vital importance for you should you wish to rise to the upper echelons of fantasy greatness along with meThrough my many, many, many years of experience, I have learned that in order to reach a level of fantasy greatness that enables you to join the elite club of "fantasy baseball experts" (aside from paying the $299.99 annual membership fee, paid via cashiers' check, made payable to Rob Reed), you MUST adhere to the following rules 1) I have already addressed the "know who I am" part, but it deserves repeating. 2) You need a good microphone, a decent computer with hard drive, and the ability to upload sound files to the internet. I bought a microphone, plugged it into my computer, started randomly talking fantasy baseball into it, uploaded the resulting sound files to the internet, and suddenly, people started listening and thought I knew what I was talking about. What a bunch of sods! 3) A heavy dose of sarcasm appears to be needed. And, sex jokes. Make lots of sex jokes. Hair jokes are good, but try not to overuse them when your editor is full-on, Kojak, cue-ball-shiny bald4) Use lots and lots of random acronyms. I still don't have a handle on these crazy sabermetrics, but I use their associated acronyms liberally. As an example, I like to say things like: "Watch out for Santana's 2008 FIP, else in 2009 it might BYITA." I'm not sure what FIP means, but I made up BYITA (bite you in the ass). 4)  Another favorite of mine is to throw out BABIP and couple it with contact rate (which you can say as "CT," not to be confused with a particular type of "teaser"). Say things like: "Whoa, nelly! You think Milton Bradley had a great 2008? Well, that elevated BABIP and lowered CT might make you all FUBAR when it BYITA!" This seems to give countless baseball nerds (read: sabermetricians) severely engorged private parts, inducing them into a slight coma from less blood to the brain, thereby enabling them to swallow the mindless baseball chatter that you are servingYou get extra credit for throwing in acronyms with percentiles when talking about whether a player's power numbers were reasonable (FB% works well here - don't worry about what it means because I don't know.5) Make very long podcasts… the longer the better. This is because if you make as many mistakes and far-out predictions as I do, your podcasts are so long that those "real" experts may want to call you on your mistakes but they will not have the will nor the time to wade through your three-hour podcasts to find said mistakesThis point leads to one of my most recommended tools towards "fantasy baseball expert" greatness. 6) Deny, deny, deny. Someone alleges that I touted Reggie Sanders in the 2006 pre-season in order to taint my reputation as "fantasy expert?" No, I did not. If you hear that my ranking system had Cody Ross ranked very high before the 2008 season, no, it did not. And, if you hear naysayers of my work point to the fact that I organized a funeral for CC Sabathia's career on my podcast early last season, no, I did notAnd, oh yeah, Hank Blalock sucks. Unless he doesn't suck this year. Then, I'll just say that I predicted his amazing season one season too early. 7) Write for this website, "FantasyPROS911." Now, I am an instant "PRO" (and to appease Paul Greco -- and you can write for this site, too, by participating in FantasyPros911 own Great Fantasy Debate!). I will most certainly be using this fact as a calling card in my live money league draft this year. For the pittance I am receiving for writing these articles (sorry, Greco, but the offer of your oil massage services for my writing qualifies as a pittance in my book), it is worth every Greco master stroke to be able to say: "Hey, Fellas. I am a Fantasy Pro, because I write for the Pros. 8) Buy advertising in a fantasy magazine. No joke. I bought some advertising space in this year's "Fantasy Baseball Index" magazine, which has a circulation of 75,000. A few weeks later, I received an email asking me to join their "experts' poll," which included well-recognized "experts" like Ron Shandler last seasonNot one to lose out on an opportunity (I mean, come on… I am working here for Greco oil massage treatments, in hopes that I get discovered by ESPN), I jumped at the chance. Rest assured, I am under no delusion. I'm pretty sure "Fantasy Baseball Index" likes my money. If I buy a bigger advert next year, I'm crossing my fingers that they will make me Executive Editor  .9) Be like Carlos Mencia. Listen and read as much as you can. It isn't "stealing" if you forget where you originally stole the analysis. Any one of the writers, here, are good fodderI mean, if they listened to any of my podcasts, Brian Joura, Mike Podhorzer, Patrick DiCaprio, and Adam Ronis would have me whacked. 10) Affiliate yourself with people who know what they are talking about. My baseballgeeks podcast partner, Gregg Keer, was the real brains of our operation. I followed most of the recommendations, above, while he did all of the real analysis. I was the guy who would get the "fan emails" that said stuff like: "Thanks for the great analysis, Gregg. And, oh yah, that other guy is a perv!" You can hear this in action through the course of this season as Gregg and I will be resurrecting the baseballgeeks podcast, most likely as a Blog Talk Radio show this season. I am already working on some canned, fill-in-the-blank, acronym-filled analysis that will excite many a calculator cruncherHave some "canned, acronym-filled analysis" suggestions for me so that I won't make a complete ass of myself this year? Use the comments section, below, to "try-out." I just might recommend you as a guest on the podcast this year. Or, Gregg might replace me with you! No way that Gregg hears about this piece. Trackback(0)
Comments (11)
  written by JoeLano, January 13, 2009
A thorn in your side already! Its only January 12! I am sure it will only get worse.
While it is true, I did ask the question: "How does one become an expert?", I never said I wanted to be called one. I am just not that arrogant I guess :shock: I looked at your picture, but you are truly forgetable. Everytime I think of Rob Reed I picture the father from the Brady Bunch,... sorry. Hey, what do you know: I already do write for this web site! You can find my aticles right ABOVE yours here on the home page. I maybe seated here at the kiddie table known as the "free site", but I am here! Yours Truly, The Thorn in Your Side ( I'll be here all year!) 
written by RobReed, January 13, 2009
There's a very racially insensitive joke in here that I just can't go to because: (1) I like writing here; and (2) as far as I know, the things that would keep me out of a United States Supreme Court nomintation are still under wraps.
Let's just say that a team like the Red Sox and prior incarnations of the Dodgers would have a decent FOB%. The Red Sox, according to their current 40-man roster, have a FOB% of 10.
written by RobReed, January 13, 2009
Yogi. You're nuts. Have you seen Greco's picture. He is the George Clooney of fantasy baseball.
You did see "O Brother Where Art Thou," right?
written by RobReed, January 13, 2009
I should've just asked. Because, instead, I made the very bad decision of google image search.
written by Shai, January 12, 2009
Rob,
FB% stands for Fly Ball%, as I'm sure you know, but if you really want to be an expert, tweak it a bit, such as calling it FOB%, Full Of Bull%, which measures the off the wall projections and analysis of the other "experts". :shock:
written by Yogi, January 12, 2009
Brian,
Really ??? The man makes several references to hot oil massages from Greco and the picture is what disturbed you? I've already committed to a two week bender followed by a stint in rehab, in an effort to eradicate that visual. Thanks Rob !! Funny stuff.
written by This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , January 12, 2009
FIP = feline infectious peritonitis. Don't ask.
~KZ
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It's all so obvious now. Better make that a three week bender.