This week we take potshots at Perry Van Hook and air John Halpin's complaint about last week's update.

So, after last week’s update I got the following email from our friend John Halpin of Fox Sports:

He is right! How could I have forgotten to see his rapid ascent? His team has ridden the strength of a tremendous pitching performance to the fringes of contention, after having started the season at the bottom of the pack. Time is running out and power bats are few and far between, so John may have a tough time getting into first, but an in-the-money finish is not out of the question.

The only problem is the consistency of Perry Van Hook’s squad, who has been at or near the 80 point mark all season. Halpin’s plucky, Josh Beckett-led team will have to make a big move to continue the ascent, having already passed the weaker teams. Like a horse on the turn passing tired contenders, John has to use his whip and hope for a continued surge.

By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that Halpin’s victory party is scheduled to be held at Burger King. In response to these rumors, team captain Bobby Abreu stated “our ownership is cheap, but not THAT cheap…we are at least hoping for Wendy’s.”

My team has closed the gap again, finally getting some top performances from Joba Chamberlain. Now only one slim point behind the league leading Jeff Erickson, whose team has put people to sleep with its lack of public feuding and controversy, Joba has been practicing his fist-pumping in preparation for our own victory ceremony.

Unlike Halpin, my team will not be going the cheap route for our victory party. For us it will be a bang-up affair at Applebee’s. Only the best for my guys. And if you have never had champagne while chowing down on Riblets, well you are missing out.

Here are the latest standings. I am sad to report that Pete McCarthy of MLB.com begged me not to publish the standings this week, embarrassed as he is at his team’s Titanic performance, and we don’t mean that in a good way. Sorry, Pete.

No one is happier this week than New York Newsday’s Adam Ronis, who is just shy of breaking out of the dreaded final two spots, so he can play again in this league next year and redeem himself.

It was a wild and wacky week on the free agency front, to no one’s surprise. Jeff Erickson, our league Consigliore, mustered as much enthusiasm as he could in sending out the week’s bids, with the following: “Very spirited bidding this week.” Have to love Jeff’s passion and humor.

There were tons of bids this week with everyone getting into the action. The action was faster and more furious than the Saturday Night Naked Twister Games at Perry Van Hook’s palatial estate in Beverly Hills. Yes, you too can wrestle with naked starlets in luxury if only you could be a true fantasy baseball expert like Perry. Feel free to email him to get details.

So, rather than put all of the bids, here are the successful ones. The bids in parenthesis are the losing bids:

“$450 for Ian Snell.......I think I tore my oblique falling out of the chair”

“Ha, if I didn't get Peavy you would have laughed harder at a $681 bid for Ian Snell. He's ready for a strong final month or two, he'll be worth it.”

Once again Jason Mastrodonato does his best Howard Hughes impersonation, sitting at his computer with tissue boxes over his feet and six-inch fingernails, bidding on free agents like Derek Carty hits on women at his college bar. Jason, perhaps you should join Perry’s Twister parties and get out more.

For my part I am proud to say that I picked up the biggest difference maker of them all. Forget Peavy, Snell or Encarnacion. Cliff Pennington is sure to be the player to vault me into the lead. In fact, I am so confident that I am dialing Applebee’s right now….

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Well, there is one big difference...
written by Derek Carty, August 04, 2009

I tend to be successful in my pickups far more often (read: all of them)

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