Here are the latest standings in the Experts’ League, and I promise no roast-caliber jokes this week.

This week, inspired by the roast of Joan Rivers, we present the Roast Edition of the Expert League Update. Feel free to get back at the Roastmaster via comment below.

The standings below are not a misprint! Jeff Erickson finally gave up the lead after two months. But that is not the biggest story of the week. How about Adam Ronis getting out of the bottom two? Adam not only got out of the bottom two, but vaulted three-time NL Tout Wars champ Mike Lombardo. Todd Zola better watch out!

Standings for games through 8/10/2009

First, an announcement. I am proud to announce that Pete McCarthy is hosting a Fantasy Baseball Symposium, where he shares the podium with Geoff Stein and Jason Collette. Pete reports that they will be sharing all of their fantasy baseball wisdom. Tickets are $10, and obstructed view seats are $20. I had the pleasure of meeting Pete at our event at Tonic East, and watching Pete hit on the ladies, it was clear that he is one of the world’s great lovers. All he needs is a partner.

Todd Zola’s fall continues, as he is spending too much time prepping for his numerous radio show appearances to actually manage his team. Curiously, Jeff Erickson asked him last week how his team in this league was doing during his guest spot on Jeff’s Show, and for some reason Zola’s phone cut off. I am sure it was a coincidence.

For you ladies out there, if you have never met Todd he is the epitome of good-looking; the stereotypical dark and handsome guy. When it is dark out, he is handsome. I once paid $5,000 to look up Todd’s family tree. It cost me $1,000 to look it up and $4,000 to hush it up.

Todd Zola is easily one of the best and brightest minds in the fantasy baseball industry, despite his current standing. Just ask him, he will tell you. Todd is a big donator to charity. But he likes to remain anonymous; which is why he never signs the checks.

Jeff Erickson is a great guy; he had Zola on his show many times at the peak of the show’s popularity. And he has had him on as a guest since 2002 also. Erickson’s team will no doubt be near the top for the rest of the season. But I am sad to say that Jeff and his team have started drinking their victory champagne way too early. It seems like every week Erickson and his team are drinking their victory champagne. It only takes Jeff one glass of champagne to get drunk, usually the fifteenth one. I once asked Jeff what he thought of Meow Mix, and he said “What is that a CD for cats?”

Yes, John Halpin, I promised I would mention you every week. Like Britney Spears, the media simply cannot get enough of John and his team. At least the fantasy baseball media cannot. Oops, John did it again, making up even more ground toward his stated goal of a middle of the pack finish. Yes, the rumors are true; John did, in fact, give Miley Cyrus her pole dancing lessons for the Teen Choice Awards. So it was a good week in general.

John made a deal, and it is good to see someone other than me working the phone lines. John traded B.J. Upton and Dioner Navarro for Victor Martinez and Hideki Matsui to Jeff Erickson. Navarro was sad about the trade, saying “I will miss those Sumo wrestling contests with John, he was a tough competitor, and he looks great in a Sumo Thong.” Just try to get THAT picture out of your head. John has changed his name to Yokozuna in Dioner’s honor.

One little known fact about Halpin is that he is a light eater. When it is light out he eats. He once went on a diet and 300 farmers declared bankruptcy.

What happened to Jason Mastrodonato this week? Jason only made one free agent bid! Surely this is an error, and we will be getting an update soon. Or perhaps Jason’s carpal tunnel syndrome from sitting at his computer has finally flared up. Maybe one day Jason will use his computer for something other than bidding on free agents and his monthly subscription to Collegegirls.com.

Perry Van Hook has finally fallen from his rock-solid consistency in the 80-point range. It is about damn time—Perry has been a great competitor and no doubt his team will be back up contending in no time. In fact, Perry is a man of rare gifts…he hasn’t given any in years.

Perry has been around this industry for a long time. For his first draft he had to travel by stagecoach. As a young man he was asked what he wanted to be when he got older. Perry answered “wrinkled,” so mission accomplished, Perry! On the bad side, Perry’s used to sow his wild oats, now his wild oats are shredded wheat. 

One has to feel bad for Derek Carty. Derek is not only having trouble in the league, but he is not exactly the most popular guy in the college dating scene. Derek is hugely popular in fantasy baseball. But the last time Derek touched a breast was in a bucket of KFC. The only place women invite him to go is outside. Perhaps it is his height that is a turnoff, though he is sensitive about it. I once made a joke about his height and he punched me in the knee.

As a fantasy manager and pundit, Derek is very hard working-he does the work of three men, Moe, Larry and Curly. Derek is an accomplished statistician and writer, as anyone who has read his work at The Hardball Times knows, and he has garnered great respect. Derek is often a guest on The Roundtable Radio Show. But he often gives quizzical answers. One time I asked him, on the show, whether he likes sushi, and he told us that the last time he ordered sushi he sent it back because it was undercooked.

This week we take potshots at Perry Van Hook and air John Halpin's complaint about last week's update.

Here are the latest standings for the Inaugural FantasyPros911.com Expert League, with what can loosely be described as "analysis."